The Year's Best Actual News Headlines:
1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
6. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
11. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
14. Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
16. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
17. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
18. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
19. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
21. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Times in 10 Years
22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
23. War Dims Hope for Peace
24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
25. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
26. Deer Kill 17,000
27. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
31. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
32. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
34. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
35. Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
36. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
37. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
39. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
So Have You Ever Tought of This? ? ?
1. If you throw a cat out the window, does it become kitty litter?
2. If corn oil comes fron corn, where does baby oil come from?
3. When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
4. How did a fool and his money GET together?
5. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
6. If its tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
7. What's another word for thesaurus?
8. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection?
9. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
10. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
11. How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?
12. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
13. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
14. Do blind Eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs?
15. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
16. what do they use to ship styrofoam?
17. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
18. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
19. Why do drive up ATMs have braille keys?
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.1) "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 2) "The youngest son, the 23 year old, how old is he?" 3) "Were you present when your picture was taken?" 4) "Were you alone or by yourself?" 5) "Did he kill you?" 6) "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 7) Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes" Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" 8) Q: "She had 3 children, right?" A: "Yes" Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None" Q: "Were there any girls?" 9) Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes" Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" 10) Q: "Mr. Saltery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?" 11) Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?" 12) Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male or female?" 13) Q: "Is you appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." 14) Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people." 15) Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A: "Oral"
14) Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 pm." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." 15) Q: " You were not shot in the fracas?" A: " No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.." 16) Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood." Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
TRIPOD
The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father; a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell.............. Ms Smith: "Good morning." Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....." Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you. Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins." Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?" Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do." Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it." Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?" Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out. Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me." Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'" Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?" Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that." Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?" Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London." Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!" Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." Ms Smith: "She was?" Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?" Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in." Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?" Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store." Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it." Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!
Actual Bumper Stickers!!* The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
* If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
* Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
* We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* Born free... taxed to death.
* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
* Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
* Horn broken, watch for finger.
* All men are idiots ... I married their king.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Help wanted: telepath. You know where to apply.
* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
* I.R.S. We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
* Life's a buffet... so eat me!
* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
* Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
* I love cats ... dead ones!
* I love cats ... they taste just like chicken!
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Keep honking, I'm reloading.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
* As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
* Spotted owl taste just like chicken.
* Hang up and drive.
* Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
* I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
* WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
* Tow-ers will be violated.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
* Lord save me from your followers.
* Meat is yummy!
* Mean people rule!
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
* Born again pagan.
* God must love stupid people, he made so many.
* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
* So many recipes, so few cats.
* Cats... the other white meat.
* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
* My kid beat up your honor student!
* P.E.T.A. people eating tasty animals
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
* Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
* Wink, I'll do the rest!
* Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* When there's a will, I want to be in it!
* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
* I love animals...they're delicious.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
* Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
* Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
* People say I have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
* Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
* We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
* A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
* Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
* Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
* i souport publik edekasion
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
* I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
* I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
* Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
* I (heart) your wife/daughter/mother
* I Brake for Hookers
* Support Mental Health or I will KILL YOU!